Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dying of ALS

So yeah, my mother wants to die. After 3 years of illness and gradually loosing control in her mussels it is time. So what can i say. It is her own decision. It's just all way to surreal...

I started this blog so i could have some kind of outlet. Someplace where i could put my thoughts into words. I have learned from the past that this can really help you deal with the harder part of life. I am having some hard times with the whole writing down thing though. I hard time putting these feelings and emotions into words.  I mean i don't even know what i feel. I am sad of course and i have this pain, when i think of it I feel a pain close to my hart. It freaks me out! i know it's just stress but still after 3 years of being surrounded by illness and being confronted with death, every little pain in my body makes me wonder. Is this something serious?

It's been 4 days since i heard my father say the words: Your mother has given up, you should try to come and visit as much as you can. My dad started to cry. I could only stand still, a little smile on my lips. I tried to comfer my dad, saying that it was ok. I hugged him. I could see myself, i was thinking: good girl very composed.

I have been crying a lot the lasts weeks. I don't think i haven't really cried since the news. I actually had a great time last night at home with my boyfriend and two friends drinking cocktails, having dinner. i laughed a lot!

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