So today i am packing. I think it's very well organized of me as i am leaving on sunday to my boyfriends family in Stockholm. But my birthday is tomorrow and then christmas so i will be at my parents until saturday night. The only problem is that i do not have anything to wear!! So i've been in my wardrobe trying on all different kinds of combinations with all my old clothes.
The problem is i am broke. This might be a recurrent theme in my blog. I am so broke that i haven't been shopping in 3/4 months. It's like a nightmare! Yesterday i tried on these grey suede stilletos with little studs. I so wanted to buy these for new years! but at the moment i don't even have enough money for rent.
So packing is a bitch and i am the point that i just want to chuck some random stuff in my suitcase and close it. And i keep telling myself not to cry. Next year will be better!
To end this on a positive note one of my favorite photographers of the moment Ryan Mcginley. His images always capture it's like entering this beautiful fairy tale underworld.
As it's been snowing like crazy these days. I can only think if one thing. How do i dress warm and still look great! It's been hard i have to say. I found these Hunter boots and i fell in instant love! the lining is completely made out of shearling. color is chocolate brown. And they look like they can stand any type of whether. And not like my Uggs (i keep on sliding and falling, you would think they would have put some thought into that. and even have the ones with extra grip) it looks like you will actually have some grip on slippery surfaces.
So I want these! but i am on a no clothes budget. The worst budget there is i can tell. So unfortunately i can't buy them...
Today i was thinking about my relationships with my friends. I have to admit to myself i am not a very good friend. I am a loyal friend and a very relaxed friend, but i am not a good friend in the sense that i call regularly or always remember birthdays or go out for drinks or coffee and talk for hours on a regular basis. I don't do these things. I don't even like to do these things. It's not that i don't want to see or talk to my friends or that i don't like them. It's just that i don't need to see or talk to my friends all the time. So this makes me a bad friend and especially a bad girlfriend. I am pretty sure that there's some evil gossip going on about me among some of my (former?) girlfriends. The whole BFF, Sex and the city, man come and go but girlfriends stay forever thing, is just not me. It is probably not so strange then that a big part of my friends are male. They are easy going, do not expect you to call everyday for an update, they make dirty jokes and don't wine about their girlfriends (or lack their of), jobs, parents, in-laws etc. And the competition between girls! it's just always just under the service, am i prettier, more successful, happier, have a better shoe collection, sexlife or better boyfriend. It's just so exhausting. And it's not that i do not participate, i find my self doing the exact same thing. Of course there are moments when these things do not play a role. And it's these moments that i love spending with my friends, they just seem so rare lately. I don't know... It's probably all me. So at the moment i am neglecting my girlfriends and spending most of my friend time with my male friends. I can just sit, hang out drink beer smoke cigarettes and listen to dirty jokes. But i do feel guilty about neglecting my girlfriends.
My reason for starting this blog is that i needed a place where i could put thoughts in to words. It could only be happy positive thoughts. Things that make me smile and that made my day a little bit better. As my mom is dying i need to look at some of the more lighter things in life. And maybe, if i dare to, i can use this place to get out some of my more sadder experiences as i feel you can only trouble the persons around you so much before you start to feel that you can't trouble them any more with your long time dying mom.
But the last couple of days have been not so positive. So their goes my resolution of trying to post everyday. I don't think it has been all me that made me this cloud of negative energy. I mean the whether has been awful. I am talking grey clouds, winds blowing wet snow in your face and the cold that just wants to hurt you until your bones. It's just makes me want to stay inside and crawl underneath a lot of blankets and don't come out until it's warm and dry. I mean that would turn anyone into a bog ball of negative energy right?
So i decided that i had to look for my most beautiful winter photograph and remember the good times i had the past winter.
I mean this looks just like a fairy tale. This is in Sweden around the where my boyfriends parents live. We were just going for a walk and there i was in the middle of winter wonderland. It all felt so magical. I loved it. For a little while i was just transported to another world.
So i am kind of in love with Stella right now. I read this amazing article about her in the november issue of Vogue. She is already such an inspirational designer, but for me now she is on a whole other level. On her quest to find the right country estate she says that it was "a desperate mission to find land so that i could ride my horse." For me that says something about a women. I mean come on... how amazing is that! It is my dream to have enough land surrounding me so that i can ride my horse. To make this dream reality i need a horse of course, maybe first i need enough money to buy a horse, maybe first find a job to actually earn that money (So many steps to go until realizing that dream). So after reading this article about her house and her amazing garden and her amazing husband (who actually gave her a garden for their anniversary) and looking at the amazing photographs Bruce Weber shot of all this amazingness i couldn't be anything but in Love and i admit insanely jalouse.
So the first step of writing a blog is actually writing something on your blog. So here's me, monday morning, at home, writing. The next step is posting it. Then it will be out there for everyone and no one to see. Everyone can read what i wrote. But then again who would want to read what i wrote? This is just something i want to do for me. Wright? So post it. Ok i will do it, really i'll do it. click on that button. What are you waiting for? Do it, now...