home is where the hart is

Boyfriend is coming to pick me up. I am cooking dinner for my dad, sister and boyfriend at the moment. Some pasta and salad. They will make for some nice comfort food. After that me and my bf will take the car and drive back to the city.

I am happy to have one day at my own place. To prepare and finish up some loose ends and to have some quality time with my dog and boyfriend. Saturday i will pack up and drive back to my parents for at least the next week. I am bringing my dog though!

change of nailcolor

Today I have to write an email I have been putting of for quit some time now. That is the mail to my thesis advisor. The last months i just couldn't get myself to really work on my thesis. It has something to do with sitting by yourself, writing and researching that makes me scared of even being in the neighborhood of my desk. Of course you can always go to the library but then you will run into other people who will ask you how your are and what you are doing bla bla. And then what will i answer. So i kind of just neglected writing. It seemed the easiest.

But i suddenly feel the need to clear everything up. I wrote to all my neglected and non neglected friends and explained them what was going on these days. And now it is time to write to this man. I don't know why i am dreading it so much. He will understand, wright?

And after this i am allowed to buy a new nail polish. Maybe Chanel or OPI?

picking a date

We have an actual date. It is going to happen next friday. My mom has decided to die next friday. It's weird but it gives some kind of rest with which i am a bit uncomfortable. We have decided this with our doctor. A very tall and nice man. It is so surreal to be sitting down and talking about this. He came at the house.  He was so relaxed and very understanding which i found very pleasant, he listened and patted my moms hand when she started crying. But he also said that he preferred it to happen on a day where he was not working so he didn't have to go an see other patients afterwards. I completely understand this of course, but it is so weird to speak about the moment after. The moment after my mom died. The moment after we watched her die. Is that a moment? Isn't that just complete nothingness? In that moment my world will stop and i don't know when it will start again. I am scared.

I am at my parents and i am sleeping in my old bedroom. I can hear my parents fussing around one floor below. I think i will go and sleep now.

Hello death

Day 2 of my project: fixing up my shower room into relax heaven. My boyfriend had laugh when i told him about my new project. But great as he is he tells me that I will succeed and he applauds every progress I make. Today i found out after i scraped most of the paint of that i have mould! So first i have to tackle this problem before  i can finally start painting.

I have to say that this little project is a great way to distract myself. Today i decided to stay home. I needed some sleep and rest and I really needed to get some work done on my thesis. Ofcourse this day started out like hell. I was completely lost. I felt like i was beeing crushed down by some very heavy weights. I was standing in the shower and i couldn't breath. I felt my heart racing. All I could thing about was death and my mom. I could always put these thoughts about death aside but this morning i couldn't it was right there in front of me and it didn't want to go away. I really started to freak out. How do you deal with death? I just couldn't work it out.

So after popping some pills ( they work like magic, they are organic with all kinds of stress reducing herbs) and settling down with a big cup of thee i started browsing these blogs. I love blogs! especially fashion ones. I can spend hours on the internet just checking out blogs. Anyway on one of my favorite blogs from Hanneli she was walking in the snow wearing a dress and i fell in instant love. The whole feeling of the picture is very romantic, the white snow the way the sun lights the landscape. But I can't stop thinking about this dress, i want this dress. It's from the Row and apparently it has an open back which i think it's so very sexy. It's made out of velvet and i think there's is something so shique about velvet, the way it has a subtle shine and how it's so soft. I've been wanting a garment made of velvet and i think this one is perfect!

Image: http://www.hanneli.com/merry-christmas/#comments

Ofcourse i can't find it and if i could i probably can't afford it. So maybe when i finish my bathroom it's time for a new project. MAking this dress myself!

I think i will end my day now. Tomorrow i will go back to my parents.

Monday

Today is monday. Today i started to fix up my bathroom. Well bathroom is a big word for the square meter  with shower head and a little sink. It's been a complete dump for the three years i have been living in my apartment. It's one of these things that when you move in you'll push to the end of your lists of things to do and finally you can't even see how crap it is and you forget. But i mean seriously what can you do with a square meter?

Today i have decided it will be bathroom heaven. I will scrape, i will paint, i will put in an enormous shower head and it will be amazing! it will finally put my ever growing stack of interior design magazines to good use. oh and did i tell that today I backed a cake, cooked and folded my boyfriends loundry.

I feel so amazingly empty. So this is what i do but it all sucks you know. Today my mom said that she wanted to die in a couple of days. This is completely and utterly ridiculous. She said the end of the month! i didn't even digest the fact that it is really going to happen soon and now she wants to die in a couple of days! I told her NO. She has to give me and my sister more time.
We have this law in my country where someone is allowed to die when they want when they are seriously ill and their living standards are far beyond human. My mom is almost completely paralyzed, she can't talk (she communicates via a computer which she can command via a small klick systems in het hands), She is bed bound and breathing is very very hard is she has a lot of fluid in her longs and not enough strength to cough it up.

But besides all this she has a smile which can light up the room. She is still very much present, she is still commanding me to marry soon and start having babies because i am 28 and time is ticking. How can she just not be here anymore in a couple of days?

Dying of ALS

So yeah, my mother wants to die. After 3 years of illness and gradually loosing control in her mussels it is time. So what can i say. It is her own decision. It's just all way to surreal...

I started this blog so i could have some kind of outlet. Someplace where i could put my thoughts into words. I have learned from the past that this can really help you deal with the harder part of life. I am having some hard times with the whole writing down thing though. I hard time putting these feelings and emotions into words.  I mean i don't even know what i feel. I am sad of course and i have this pain, when i think of it I feel a pain close to my hart. It freaks me out! i know it's just stress but still after 3 years of being surrounded by illness and being confronted with death, every little pain in my body makes me wonder. Is this something serious?

It's been 4 days since i heard my father say the words: Your mother has given up, you should try to come and visit as much as you can. My dad started to cry. I could only stand still, a little smile on my lips. I tried to comfer my dad, saying that it was ok. I hugged him. I could see myself, i was thinking: good girl very composed.

I have been crying a lot the lasts weeks. I don't think i haven't really cried since the news. I actually had a great time last night at home with my boyfriend and two friends drinking cocktails, having dinner. i laughed a lot!

the new year

January 2011 is the month that my mom decided to die.